Sacrifices

This past week has been very eventful in terms of my classwork and social wellbeing. I've been suffering from lack of motivation for awhile now because of mostly Phamily business, and also because of a sense of loneliness in a new country despite all the fun I've had so far with many new people.

First things first:

Phamily. The source of our family drama goes way way back, and I know everyone has trouble within the family, and I don't like to talk about our problems to others, even to my very best friends, if I can help it. After my last conversation with my mom, however, I feel like my Phamily has been put through a lot more compared to the normal average one, whether American or Asian. I think our religion plays a big part of it, and if you believe in that paranormal God versus devil stuff, I can leave it to your imagination. It's really all very complex. I hold very strong to my faith, don't get me wrong, but I think it's because of that we've been put to harder and more difficult tests as we get older.

But anyways, to more tangible issues. My mom doesn't have the health to work full time anymore. It scares me how frail she's become, and she really is quite young still. She barely turned forty this year. Because of that, there isn't enough income coming in. Her benefits from her old company program ends in November or December, and if we don't have another source coming in soon, we can't afford to keep our house.

We're also giving up our dogs. I always thought it was so random how we came to have them in the first place, but we also didn't realize right away that a lot of our money has sort of been wasted on taking care of them, when that could have been put to other urgent things. Also, my mom tells me Bo has been feeling ill lately. It seems even he is affected by the bad vibes from the devil's work, and because my mom cares about him, she feels he's much better off with a family who could really take care of him better than us. Phamily has to work to care of each other first before we can take care of a pet.

As a Phamily, we've come close to falling apart many times before in the past. So while I was away for college, I wasn't all that surprised to hear my mom asking my opinion for the umpteenth time about really leaving my dad, about needing a vacation, about what to do with my rebellious siblings.

However, after several renewals of faith this year that each of as had together or individually, our goal to stay as one family and how to do it has become clear now. No matter how hard it gets physically or emotionally, we plan to learn how to find our strength to overcome the next obstacle. My dad being the core of the situation and all, I don't know how we can save him when he hass been swallowed by darkness a very long time ago. We only can pray to God to save him, since we've tried everything within our power to help him be a better person only to be disappointed and hurt over and over again. Obviously, it was always out of our power to begin with, and as one priest said to me "In order to do God's work, you must have God's power."

I don't want my dad to die a devil's victim.

Even though our Phamily's resolve is stronger now, we still expect more suffering, more pain, more hardships in the future. Whatever God has planned for us, I can only hope He provides us with the strength to make it to that point. Just prayers. My Phamily really needs prayers right now.

Back to the financial issue....we all talked about whether we still want that big house of ours. If we were to claim bankruptcy and lose everything we've invested in there and move into an apartment, we can survive with my dad's income alone plus take care of my little brother college tuition, for now.

We distinguished there is a difference between "house" and "home." A home that consists of a happy family is more important than a house. If we do not have a home, the house has no value, yet a home is priceless and much more valuable than a house by default.

Speaking from an entirely selfish perspective, if we were to live in an apartment, I would not be able to have a studio space to work in, and I want to have the environment and tools as ready as possible if I'm very serious about my illustration career. I see this path as my true way to support my family.

But the problem is, I'm still in school until May. What can my parents do until then? When can my siblings do? My little sister is already working part time plus going to high school. She's been through so very much too. And my little brother, I know he's already starting to become more mature. When I talked to him at our most recent family meeting, I could tell just by the tone of his voice, that some things are starting to click for him. He is no longer as lost as before.

And my belief in that became even stronger when he confessed to me some days ago that he plans on taking a leave from the U and move back with my parents and work full time until I come home.

I wanted to cry. Oh, did my chest feel the pain.

I guess somehow, one step in saving our home is to see how we can keep this house. If we really want it.

As much as I have made a home for myself in California and I still consider moving there permanently in the future, I feel like I'll have to stay in Utah a little longer than I originally planned after I graduate. Okay maybe much longer. My old friends and parents won't mind at all of course, haha, and I love them all so very much.

I suppose I'm accepting the fact that my one dream of creating a future home with a significant other will have to be sacrificed if I want to keep my current home alive. I have a lot of dreams, some much more ambitious than others, and some have come true, and how grateful I am to God that they came through like that. But not all dreams can be fulfilled, apparently. It keeps one humbled, perhaps.

I thought staying in Utah for about a year after graduation would be enough to get these things settled but it's probably not that easy. I might have to work for longer. I want my sister to be able to go to college too.

I'll have to postpone grad school, traveling, working in another country, and all that other stuff I want to do while I'm in my twenties. Who knows if I could go back to these plans again.

I know my family needs me home. What's the point in keeping that big house if it's not put to use by the children? My crack dream is that that house will be there as like a grandparents/summer home for my children twenty years from now, or whatever. That's why I want to keep that house, even though I probably won't be living in it for that long. I've never stayed in one house for more than a few years anyway. My whole childhood was like that. This time though, now that I'm at this age, I want a house with a history, a house I can go back to when I want to revisit my cd and book collections of youth, where I first started my illustration career fresh. I want a place that's open and free, and good for growing up and learning for the future, and if I could have kids, I want them to see this. I think this would make an invaluable gift to them. My parents whose only history I was given were their stories of old in Vietnam, of escaping, of their hardships first living in America. All that had pain and suffering written all over it. I don't want to give my kids just those kinds of stories...

We built this house. We live in this house. I want to create and make art in this house.

And I say this knowing that it's all very selfish of me to demand that from my parents when they're already struggling through enough. It was only my dad and me who leaned more towards working to keep that house rather than giving it all up. And I know now that I'm a girl who cannot keep her dreams locked up and pushed back in the farthest corners of my brain for that long. My soul thirsts to keep going places, to see all my dreams through to the end. That means I cannot stay in one place for very long, even if its my first and foremost my original home.

I end up making many homes in the hearts of other people in my travels. I've seen that already from studying in California and making good friends there. And here in Korea, just thinking about leaving in a month and a half from now makes my soul miss the place already.

Anyways, this has gotten to be a very long and painful post, and I don't know if my coherency was consistent enough. But I hope all the people I care about can understand what my thoughts are about this issue that is family business.