21 year olds

For Lauren's party, we spent the day and night in Japantown. Naturally, friends have to take fun pictures to commemorate a special day. And a special friendship.

Normally, I'd just upload these on facebook, but seeing as how I really shouldn't be on it...

 

  

  

  

 

Sacrifices

This past week has been very eventful in terms of my classwork and social wellbeing. I've been suffering from lack of motivation for awhile now because of mostly Phamily business, and also because of a sense of loneliness in a new country despite all the fun I've had so far with many new people.

First things first:

Phamily. The source of our family drama goes way way back, and I know everyone has trouble within the family, and I don't like to talk about our problems to others, even to my very best friends, if I can help it. After my last conversation with my mom, however, I feel like my Phamily has been put through a lot more compared to the normal average one, whether American or Asian. I think our religion plays a big part of it, and if you believe in that paranormal God versus devil stuff, I can leave it to your imagination. It's really all very complex. I hold very strong to my faith, don't get me wrong, but I think it's because of that we've been put to harder and more difficult tests as we get older.

But anyways, to more tangible issues. My mom doesn't have the health to work full time anymore. It scares me how frail she's become, and she really is quite young still. She barely turned forty this year. Because of that, there isn't enough income coming in. Her benefits from her old company program ends in November or December, and if we don't have another source coming in soon, we can't afford to keep our house.

We're also giving up our dogs. I always thought it was so random how we came to have them in the first place, but we also didn't realize right away that a lot of our money has sort of been wasted on taking care of them, when that could have been put to other urgent things. Also, my mom tells me Bo has been feeling ill lately. It seems even he is affected by the bad vibes from the devil's work, and because my mom cares about him, she feels he's much better off with a family who could really take care of him better than us. Phamily has to work to care of each other first before we can take care of a pet.

As a Phamily, we've come close to falling apart many times before in the past. So while I was away for college, I wasn't all that surprised to hear my mom asking my opinion for the umpteenth time about really leaving my dad, about needing a vacation, about what to do with my rebellious siblings.

However, after several renewals of faith this year that each of as had together or individually, our goal to stay as one family and how to do it has become clear now. No matter how hard it gets physically or emotionally, we plan to learn how to find our strength to overcome the next obstacle. My dad being the core of the situation and all, I don't know how we can save him when he hass been swallowed by darkness a very long time ago. We only can pray to God to save him, since we've tried everything within our power to help him be a better person only to be disappointed and hurt over and over again. Obviously, it was always out of our power to begin with, and as one priest said to me "In order to do God's work, you must have God's power."

I don't want my dad to die a devil's victim.

Even though our Phamily's resolve is stronger now, we still expect more suffering, more pain, more hardships in the future. Whatever God has planned for us, I can only hope He provides us with the strength to make it to that point. Just prayers. My Phamily really needs prayers right now.

Back to the financial issue....we all talked about whether we still want that big house of ours. If we were to claim bankruptcy and lose everything we've invested in there and move into an apartment, we can survive with my dad's income alone plus take care of my little brother college tuition, for now.

We distinguished there is a difference between "house" and "home." A home that consists of a happy family is more important than a house. If we do not have a home, the house has no value, yet a home is priceless and much more valuable than a house by default.

Speaking from an entirely selfish perspective, if we were to live in an apartment, I would not be able to have a studio space to work in, and I want to have the environment and tools as ready as possible if I'm very serious about my illustration career. I see this path as my true way to support my family.

But the problem is, I'm still in school until May. What can my parents do until then? When can my siblings do? My little sister is already working part time plus going to high school. She's been through so very much too. And my little brother, I know he's already starting to become more mature. When I talked to him at our most recent family meeting, I could tell just by the tone of his voice, that some things are starting to click for him. He is no longer as lost as before.

And my belief in that became even stronger when he confessed to me some days ago that he plans on taking a leave from the U and move back with my parents and work full time until I come home.

I wanted to cry. Oh, did my chest feel the pain.

I guess somehow, one step in saving our home is to see how we can keep this house. If we really want it.

As much as I have made a home for myself in California and I still consider moving there permanently in the future, I feel like I'll have to stay in Utah a little longer than I originally planned after I graduate. Okay maybe much longer. My old friends and parents won't mind at all of course, haha, and I love them all so very much.

I suppose I'm accepting the fact that my one dream of creating a future home with a significant other will have to be sacrificed if I want to keep my current home alive. I have a lot of dreams, some much more ambitious than others, and some have come true, and how grateful I am to God that they came through like that. But not all dreams can be fulfilled, apparently. It keeps one humbled, perhaps.

I thought staying in Utah for about a year after graduation would be enough to get these things settled but it's probably not that easy. I might have to work for longer. I want my sister to be able to go to college too.

I'll have to postpone grad school, traveling, working in another country, and all that other stuff I want to do while I'm in my twenties. Who knows if I could go back to these plans again.

I know my family needs me home. What's the point in keeping that big house if it's not put to use by the children? My crack dream is that that house will be there as like a grandparents/summer home for my children twenty years from now, or whatever. That's why I want to keep that house, even though I probably won't be living in it for that long. I've never stayed in one house for more than a few years anyway. My whole childhood was like that. This time though, now that I'm at this age, I want a house with a history, a house I can go back to when I want to revisit my cd and book collections of youth, where I first started my illustration career fresh. I want a place that's open and free, and good for growing up and learning for the future, and if I could have kids, I want them to see this. I think this would make an invaluable gift to them. My parents whose only history I was given were their stories of old in Vietnam, of escaping, of their hardships first living in America. All that had pain and suffering written all over it. I don't want to give my kids just those kinds of stories...

We built this house. We live in this house. I want to create and make art in this house.

And I say this knowing that it's all very selfish of me to demand that from my parents when they're already struggling through enough. It was only my dad and me who leaned more towards working to keep that house rather than giving it all up. And I know now that I'm a girl who cannot keep her dreams locked up and pushed back in the farthest corners of my brain for that long. My soul thirsts to keep going places, to see all my dreams through to the end. That means I cannot stay in one place for very long, even if its my first and foremost my original home.

I end up making many homes in the hearts of other people in my travels. I've seen that already from studying in California and making good friends there. And here in Korea, just thinking about leaving in a month and a half from now makes my soul miss the place already.

Anyways, this has gotten to be a very long and painful post, and I don't know if my coherency was consistent enough. But I hope all the people I care about can understand what my thoughts are about this issue that is family business.

Happy Birthday to Cherry Fox!

A quick happy birthday to Cherry Fox! She is now as old as Ba Gia Phanny. Who's next in line???

I send you this video. You have no idea who these guys are, or maybe Phanny has told you a bit about them...if I could sing as well as them, I would do my own vid xD

Happy 22nd!!

You don't really know a person until you see them dance.

Haha, that's how Madison commented when I told her about last weekend. Not this past weekend.

Esther and I and some other International students and KIMCHI kids went to the Samzzie Sound Festival for some rock concert head banging and hip hop club dancing. Lol, and that's when I busted out some pop and lock and moonwalking and I'm sure I've imprinted a different kind of impression of myself onto these Koreans now...

I actually wasn't planning on going because I had a meeting with Gina on that same day. However, Gina canceled the day before because she had to work. We postponed our hanging out to yesterday, and that's when we both found out that on that Saturday, she canceled because she had to work at the Samzzie Sound Festival....which I ended up going to! If we had known, we could have totally met up! xDDDD The whole coincidence is just uncanny.

So Gina and I concluded that it must be a sign that we're supposed to meet every week else something bad could happen, hahaha. And she taught me a nice Korean expression as well: 너를 알아게 바행이다 (neoreul aragae bahaengeeda). It figuratively means "I'm happy to have met you/known you" but with more feeling and gratefulness?

=)

I've been having such off days, and this week hasn't started off spectacular either. I slept in yesterday and missed church, and I stayed up late last night (after getting back from meeting with Gina) to work on homework, only to have some of it blown away in the wind this morning T_____T.

The wind lately has been absolutely ridiculous. It's been thundering so strongly too. Last night, the thunder woke me up and scared me. It sounded like explosions crashing.

In Oriental Watercolor class today, I told Esther about having that piece of homework blown away, and we discussed about other homework for Han Kyosoonim and when to meet up to do the next homework project together, and then had lunch together.

Right now is Painting Studio class with Madison, and I had received a text from Esther saying that it's just a random text, but she's glad to have met me in Korea. I said it out loud to Madison, and then told her how Gina said the same thing to me yesterday, and Madison heartily declares she very much shares in that same sentiment as well.

Ah, despite all this random BS that's happening to me, I can't help but feel loved and thankful. I've only known these guys in Korea here for some months, and yet they consider me as someone quite endearing to them. I don't know if I deserve such feelings in such a short amount of time.

Especially considering all this drama with the Phamily going down.

But even so. I have to stay strong and be myself, so that I'm worthy to receive all this love around me and at home.

Megan Andrews is now Megan Cunning!

One of my best friends had her wedding on Friday, October 16th. Oh, I said so before, I say it again, I really wish I could have been there!

Anyways, I dedicate this post to Megan Cunning (haha, wow, so surreal!) and this song is for you!





Yeah, it's just some random cool vid I found on youtube, but I know Meg AnD will love it just the same.

IT'S PHANNY PHAN PHAN'S 22ND BIRTHDAY FOOLZ!!

Instead of doing what I really should be doing, I'ma dedicate this post to one of my best friends ever Phanny Phan Phan because it's her birthday!!! SRSBIZ.

And this is her man, his name be Tae Yang, and he's dropping his first full album in a month or so. 





Happy Birthday, Phanny! May all of your goals be accomplished whenever they will, lol. =D

Shoutout Rap

I struggled so much with this simple task of uploading videos. You have no idea.....>.<

Rushing

Some quick updates:

Almost done interpreting RSS's dream.
My roommate, Juyoung, and I talked for hours last night. We got to know each other a lot better.
Bought a bunch of Epik High CDs the other day at COEX, and right now I'm about to leave to head over to Olympic Park for the concert.
Saw the movie "9" with Gina yesterday. Great movie.
I still haven't been able to decide between the eye sketch or the book sketch yet.

Hmm. Yeah, that's all I can think about for now.

"Oh My Friend"s, Phan Phan and Red Striped Sketcher

When I was having that writing slump since Thursday, it was after reading their most recent blog posts that motivated me to finish my previous post.

I tell people that humans get more personal and intimate when they write then they ever do when they talk. I view handwriting as a one on one moment with oneself. Handwriting is also great for notes and letters to other people. On the other hand, writing in cyberworld can be cold, and not as intimate, but it's enough to share thoughts, feelings, and emotions with people when they can't do it face to face. Face to face with my friends, we're all happy enough to reunite and catch up that we don't often have the time or the willingness to talk about deep stuff, much less share our sorrows and burdens of pain. No, we want to laugh and smile and have fun with each other.

I've done that quite regularly with my friends in Utah, ever since I left to California for college. They only see me twice a year at the most. I realized just now the only times I've discussed serious topics with them is through the internet. Through writing.

Right now I'm getting a little more self conscious about certain things. I have always shared my troubles with them, and most likely had expressed my pain with them, but when was the last time they really came to me just to have someone who will listen? My Utahn friends had each other, and while I also had them, I made good friends in California too. Basically, on both sides, we first seek out the friends who are closest in geographic distance to us. It's practical, and it's easier.

RSS's recent blog entry clutched me at the heart. I really was able to feel her frustration and her pain that I don't often do when we actually see each other. Phanny, I was never fully aware of the depths of her depression and confusion back then, even though she confided in me a little about it, and I wonder if she would ever share those feelings of hers had I physically been there for her. And I can go on and on with other friends and even family. Is it easier to talk about these things behind a computer screen?

On a different note, during all those years in California, experiencing new life and maturing further, I wasn't there in Utah to see my old friends mature too.With this maturity comes the biggest thing that cause us girls much grief. Interest in the male race.

Haha, it's true. High school's got nothing on this. We're more mature now, but we are still young. We want to find a special someone now or else it could be too late. We think we're ready. Maybe? But then, there's ineveitably many inner conflicts of emotions that drive us all to the brink of insanity, and we only want it to stop but we don't know how. Would we have to stop caring? Yes, and no.

We have to let go of our mistakes, embarrassing and regretful they may be, if we want to move on. Otherwise, how can we be prepared enough for the next opportunity that comes our way? How would we recognize our next happiness if we still hold on to an old sadness? I say (to no one in particular, really) that these battles of emotions are perfectly normal for us all. Yes, the cases are different for each person, but essentially this is really what all human beings are capable of. Being able to feel. That means all of the good and bad. Yes, that includes boys, too. =P

Huh. I'm not quite sure what I'm really trying to say here, because this post was actually meant to be about how much I love my friends, but, uh...

Well, I'm just really glad that I decided to do this blog thing. Even though I'm away during the usual semester and the only difference is that I'm in another country this time, it led us to create this deeper connection between us. I hope we all continue to write about our life for as long as we can.

And on that note, I present you this:




Yeah. It pretty much says everything I want to say, but better. =) The actual youtube page has English subs. On my facebook, I dedicated this song to everybody I care for, but here it's really for you two.

<3